When Telling Someone About Herpes Always Remember - Nobody Is Perfect

by Ari
(United States)

Hi I’m Ari and I’m 18 years old. I never though getting an STD would happen to me. Mistakes have been made and now I am paying the ultimate price.

In October I found out I was positive for Herpes. When my body gets sick it wastes no time so I know that I could have potentially gotten it from one of two previous partners. The day I found out was a complete horror. I got up at my usual time for my 8:00am class, but something felt off. I could barely walk because of this excruciating pain on my outer vagina. I got to the bathroom where I kept getting to the verge of passing out. Luckily there was a nice hall mate that made sure I got to my room where I passed out on my bed. An hour later I found myself at the school physician.

Originally I went to find out why I was fainting, but traveled to the conversation about my pelvic pains. Immediately I got a pelvic exam where she visually diagnosed me with genital herpes. She recommended I go get tested for every STD including Herpes and HIV. A week later I got the tests done and the other three doctors said the same.

At the time I was seeing a guy and the potential transmitter. He was oddly calm about it and stuck around through the first week. Three weeks after I had gotten my tests done they confirmed my diagnoses though I am not sure of what strand I have.

I felt so lonely, vulnerable, and unexpected in society. It took me over two weeks to get adjusted to the news but I did. I got on suppression meds, started eating better, and exercised more to keep my immune system and body healthy to help prevent future outbreaks. Things seemed to be looking up not only was I mentally coping with the diagnoses of herpes, I had a new boyfriend who I had been falling for, and school was going well. Little did I know my world would come crashing down.

At almost two am I got a knock at my dorm room door. It was a guy I had slept with months before my diagnosis. He asked me if I had an STD I had to come clean and tell him the truth. Not only did he find out the truth, but I did to. I found out that my entire dorm found out that I had herpes. Completely devastated I broke down to my close friends. But I learned something valuable that day. I realized that here are people that are going to look down on you because you were given a social disease, but others will not look at you any differently. My close friends do not treat me any differently and always have my back.

Aside from the entire college finding out about the diagnosis I had another problem at hand. I told my boyfriend up front about the herpes and he did not leave because of it. Now I’m finding out that our relationship is not going to be normal. I am not a virgin (obviously) but he is.

It is obvious he wants to have sex with me, but because I have herpes he doesn’t want to. I can respect this, but when he told me that he didn’t want to I had a mental break down. I had a realization that my life will never be the same that I am always going to worry about infecting people whether it is him or not.

The biggest heartbreaker is that the guy I am falling in love with looks at me differently because of it. Out of all that has happened that is what hurts the most. I’m a person to joke around with a lot of things and sex was one of them, but now that I know I have herpes I’m hypersensitive to jokes like that. And when my boyfriend and I talk about intimacy I have to put on a fake smile when inside I’m crying.

I don’t know how long I want to wait before he is ready to have sex with a woman with herpes or if he will ever be OK with it. Sorry for ranting so much this the first time I have been able to express my feels to some one who could understand.

I’m not looking to scare people or get answers I just wanted to let people see what I have been through.

Welcome and Thank you for sharing your story with our community!

You've made a couple of points that I want to give my opinion.

First of all, although it can be done successfully, NEVER...EVER tell someone you have herpes at the very beginning of a relationship. Both men and women have sort of a mental "report card" going on during those first few weeks of a relationship where we are constantly evaluating the other person. Initially, we may be attracted to the other person's looks but as time passes we are listening and watching to see if they will be a good person to settle down with. Dropping the "H-bomb" before getting to know the real person often will result in at least 2 strikes against you. You have to gauge the relationship and once you start having those "butterfly" feelings then you have to start thinking about telling them. But until then, it's really none of their business.

If you noticed, I gauge the relationship and the other person based on how I feel....and not how I think they feel. It's really not about them. Its about you. You have to look out for your self.

I know this may sound selfish to a lot of people but it no different than any other other trivial thing that we reject someone for. We all are guilty to some degree for not wanting to be with someone because they're "ugly", "too fat", "too skinny", "they have crooked teeth", or my personal favorite..."One ear if bigger than the other" :)

My personal advice is to dump this loser if his sole reason for not having sex with you is because of HSV. He's probably just staying with you until get gets the balls to leave anyway. So beat him to the punch and pull the trigger on this emotionally damaging relationship. You'll feel better not having to drag yourself through all the crap this relationship is bringing into your life.

Hey, you're only 18! It's time to live your life fully. You're too young to worry about this guy's problems. It is HIS problem and NOT yours.

Keep doing what you're doing (meds, exercise, healthy eating) and you'll be fine. If you run into any stumbling blocks along the way just come back and we'll get you through them....that's a promise you can take to the bank!

Wishing you success and happiness!


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