Told My Boyfriend That I Have Herpes

by JaNae
(Kansas City)

Hey, I recently told my boyfriend of 1 month that I have herpes, after we had sex. I wanted to tell him so bad but I couldn't find the words. Weeks went by and I had to tell him because I felt like the relationship was getting deeper. So I told him.

I take my meds and always 2 before we had sex like the doctor said so I don't see a reason why he would have it. We rarely used condoms and I feel like it was his duty as well as mine to tell him strap up.

He's the type that overreacts to anything and that's what I expected. I'm giving him his space but at the same time I want to still be there for him. We haven't talked on the phone since I told him but we text.

I love him and I feel bad for what I did. This just lets me know how to do future relationships because I can't hurt anyone else.

He got tested Wednesday morning and his results will come back Monday the 20th. I hope that the results come back negative. I'm not the type to put harm on anybody but since I've had herpes (2 yrs) that was the first relationship I've been in since 2007 and I messed it up. I just want a little feed back (no negative comments please). Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your experience but if you think you can post something like this and not get a few negative comments then you are sadly mistaken. I feel that you need to get some negative comments but instead of dwelling on them you need to use them as tools and grow...because you've got some "growing up" to do.

I can sit here and write a book about the mistakes that you've made and the ways that you handled this relationship but that isn't going to help you much until you realize that it is your responsibility to protect your partner the best that you can.

Yes, he has a responsibility to "strap it up" to protect himself but why do you think that he didn't? Most likely it was because of the same reason that you didn't demand that he use a condom...because he trusted you and you trusted him. (What if he gave you a "serious" STD?)

You violated his trust and took away something extremely valuable to each and every one of us..our ability to control our own health. You took away his sense of self worth and if he ends up testing positive, you could be arrested and sued. Maybe that's exactly what you need because...

You have to demonstrate remorse and I'm not sensing much remorse from your comment. You still seem to be placing the responsibility on him and not on yourself.

Your sadness seems to be coming from the fact that he rejected you more so from the fact that he may have been infected with an incurable viral disease. Another selfish trait that shows a lack of maturity. answer your question about how to handle telling someone about herpes...

There are three vital elements for this:

1. Acceptance - you must accept herpes into your life. I know this sounds crazy but like it or not, this tiny virus is your life-partner. who will never reject you and will live with you forever. The faster you realize this the faster you can move on with a meaningful life.

2. Self-Confidence - many people lose all of their self-confidence the moment that they are diagnosed with herpes. It's a normal reaction but this can have very devastating effects...see above. You have to regain your confidence and discover that you can be that loving and caring person again.

3. Attraction - I'm a firm believer that once you create a certain level of attraction, your partner will jump over mountains and swim oceans to be with you. Yes, even herpes can be reduced to a mere distraction if you have taken the necessary steps in creating attraction.

BUT nothing will work if you do not accept herpes. Self-confidence and attraction will not happen consistently if you have not accepted your diagnosis and learned to live with and control herpes.

If you're not sure then how can you reassure your partner so that they don't "over react" and head straight for the nearest exit out of your relationship?

You will continue to have experiences like you have described above or worse...

you'll attract the wrong people into your life!

I sincerely wish you the best and I hope that you will take a step back and take an honest look at where you are now in your life and take the time to heal, accept your diagnosis and grow up.

You'll be glad that you did!

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