Learning To Cope With Genital Herpes

by B
(CA)

Where do I start? I found out 3 years ago that I have Genital Herpes. I went into a depression, I was in denial, I mean I went through all of the emotions. I finally came to accept and became celibate. I didn't want to spread HSV to anyone and was really still living in denial.


To make a long story short, I am deeply in love with this man and we plan on spending the rest of our lives together.

Problem- I haven't told him about my genital herpes diagnosis and we have been having unprotected sex.

Reality set in after the last time we had sex a few days later I had a very small herpes outbreak but it made me realize I do have genital herpes, even though I haven't had an outbreak since my first diagnosis.

Problem- I don't think I can tell him. I cry just thinking about it. I don't think our relationship can take it or I can't take losing him.

Being in the medical field I know that living with and coping with genital herpes isn't as bad as America makes it out to be but I don't think that he could handle it.

We talk to each other about any and every thing and we are anyways honest with one another. But I don't know how to tell him that I have herpes. I want to just break up with him and spare him any heartache and pain.

What do I do???

Thanks for sharing your story with our community. Unfortunately, your story is one that I hear way too often.

First of all, I hate to tell you this but you are still living in denial and you have not fully accepted your diagnosis. Otherwise you would not have kept GH a secret from your new love. NEVER EVER HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE BEFORE TELLING THEM ABOUT YOUR LITTLE SKIN PROBLEM. It may not seem like it but it is so much easier than having to tell them afterward.

So far you've only told me about how you are feeling. Your hurt. Your fears. You've not mentioned anything at all about your partner. This is extremely selfish behavior.

I think you've backed yourself into a tight corner that may have severe consequences. YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM...NOW! Not next week. Not tomorrow. NOW! If you care about him at all, you need to get past your own self-serving mindset and let him know so he can get tested. This is especially true since you've experienced an outbreak.

I've sent you enough "tough love" and now we'll discuss an extremely effective way to tell him...if you are truly sorry for what you've done.

As I said earlier, you need to tell him as soon as possible. The setting should be in a private place where only you and him are present. Hold his hands in yours (this will prevent him from slapping you long enough for you to escape). Just tell him something like this...

"I feel that our relationship is getting serious and I need to tell you something extremely important. I've really screwed up (this shows remorse) and if our relationship has any chance at all of moving forward, I need to tell you something very personal. I have genital herpes. I know that I should have told you about my condition before we had sex but I was way too scared and feared loosing another possible friend. Ever since the first time that we had sex, the guilt of not telling you has filled my heart with such pain that I've found it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I'm truly sorry for not telling you and I hope that one day you'll forgive me."

After telling him, you should stand up and walk to the other side of the room (near an exit) and look at him. Wait for him to react. Expect for him to be angry. Expect him to walk out but be prepared for him to ask questions. And then wait. It may take some time for him to forgive you...if ever.

You have to express genuine remorse. Since you are the person who took away his sense of self only you can restore it. You have to restore what you have taken from him. His right to make his own health decisions. His trust in you has been betrayed so be prepared to go above and beyond simply saying "I'm sorry" to restore his sense of self. His sense of being a human being.

Now back to you. You should seriously consider taking more time to work on your self-confidence and rediscovering the good things that make you a wonderful person. I think you've lost them.

To your success and happiness,

Ed
LWGH











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