Don't know how or if I should proceed?

by Francis
(Cayman Islands)

I recently met a fantastic woman who has advised me in advance that she has herpes. Before I continue, that in itself spoke volumes of her character. I thanked her for her honesty and told her that I know a little about the condition, but not enough to say whether or not it would be a deal breaker. She uses suppressive therapy and has only had one outbreak (the initial) in 5 yrs. I am not fond of condoms, but they aren't 100% effective against prevention either.

For now I have told her that he shouldn't have premarital sex as that is the way it should be; moreover, should I contract the condition, at least the love will help ease the pain. However, the reality is that we will probably end up having sex before marriage.

I don't know what to do. She is a wonderful person, that I could see myself loving.

Please feel free to supply your thoughts on this site or email me directly at

Thank you for sharing your situation with our community. It's not very often that I get questions from people who don't have herpes and are in relationships with people who do. I'm sure that there are many who share your situation.

However, I don't have a lot of great wisdom or advice for you. The reason is because whether or not to have sex with your new friend is solely your choice. I feel that it would be irresponsible of me to advise you either way.

But I do have a little bit of advise for you...You should check out and gather as much information as you can about HSV and make your decision based on the facts and not based on the misinformation out there and the stigma surrounding the virus.

As you stated, your friend has an amazing character that speaks louder than the virus.

Whatever you decide to do, take this time to get to know her better. There is no rush in having sex since you seem to be set on waiting until marriage anyway.

In the end, after doing your own research if you feel that the risk is not worth the reward then you should have the courage to tell her in an open an honest way. This will reveal your character so don't just string her along and distancing yourself from the relationship without a conversation explaining your true feelings.

Wishing you Success and Happiness,


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Oct 14, 2012
I'm in a very similar situation & so unsure!
by: Anonymous

I found out yesterday that a man I'm very interested in, has herpes. He told me voluntarily & I felt immediate respect & empathy for him & his situation! He automatically felt that this would be a definite "deal breaker" between us but I just really don't know? He's a good man & I'm so conflicted! I've never had an STD of any kind & have been in 2 long-term relationships & have had only 3 sexual partners. No type of any sexual activity other than kissing a coupla guys between my relationships. I've had no physical activity whatsoever with this man as we met online. We were both extremely honest with one another & our thoughts & feelings after him disclosing his STD status. Since I just received the news last night, I'm still in a bit of shock & feeling quite a bit of sadness for him! The first thing I did today was to educate myself further. These blogs/forums and this posting in particular really helped me to know that I'm not alone & that my health concerns (for the both of us) have no bearing on how I feel for him emotionally! If I make the choice not to engage in sexual activity with him, it doesn't make me a mean nor judgmental person. Bottom line, I'm no better than him, he's not less-than! He's a very honest, honorable & courageous man! Those characteristics out-weigh any type of sexual activity in my book! Thank you for your post! It feels good to be able to share my feelings & I'm already feeling more positive about the situation!

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