Diagnosed With Genital Herpes For 5 Years-Still Feeling Devisated

I wish I had found this site 5 years ago when I first learned that I had genital herpes. Get the garbage bucket ready, here is the dump....


When I got married in September 2010, I was 39 years old and still a virgin. I made that decision in my early teens, willingly, to avoid getting STD's or becoming pregnant. I worked so hard to stay STD free and it made me so happy and proud to share that with people that I dated. I never had anyone break up with me for choosing to abstain from sex.

Before I got married, I had an amazing life, I traveled, I enjoyed being single and did not mind abstaining from sex because I knew that someday I would be rewarded for being so conscientious and waiting for the right person and the right time. My now husband, who was 44 when we got married, had sexual partners during his life, like any healthy red blooded male, so knowing that I had not indulged in intercourse at all, my husband agreed to get 'tested' before we were married and everything came back negative. Excellent! WE got married and started our 'happily ever after'.

2 months after we were married was when I first experienced the tingling, sun-burn sensation up the back of my thighs and painful blisters. I thought they were ingrown hairs! I went to my doctor, explained all of my symptoms and she looked at the blisters. She said it was unlikely that it was anything to worry about since my husband was tested and everything was negative. I must add that I never asked him for any test results since when we discussed being tested for STD's, I ASSUMED that meant ALL OF THEM. Well, needless to say, after 3 trips to my doctor and several viles of blood later, I was diagnosed genital herpes. It was the worst day of my life.

I have been in psychological therapy for 4 1/2 years, took 3 months of suppressive treatments of Valtrex and cried more than I have in my entire life during these last 5 years.

After discussing his test results with his doctor and getting print outs of the results, we learned that the doctor had only ordered tests for HIV and Hepatitis B, so I was completely vulnerable to all the other STD's out there that my husband could potentially have. We have since both have been tested for other STD's and are negative, thankfully. At least I HOPE we were tested for all the other ones!?

I have been working so hard to get my mind wrapped around the idea that this is forever and that I will never get rid of this disease, especially since I spent 39 years doing EVERYTHING to avoid it. I have tried SO hard to change my mind set, forgive my husband for his 'carelessness' and we have had so many ups and downs because of this disease. I have thought about leaving him so many times because of my anger, but then I remember that nothing changes, I will still always have herpes.

This website has basically talked about all the emotions that I have been going through since day one. Now I know that all of my reactions, starting with the anger, dealing with the regret and trying to negotiate, are all normal parts of this process.

When I am between outbreaks, I feel strong and positive about life moving forward and can get closer to my husband. Coming from the amazing life that I had before I got married, I have had so many regrets about marrying my husband because it has changed my life for the worse in so many ways.

I always think that this is all just a bad dream and I will wake up to a time before I was married and just stay friends with my husband. I wish I knew then what I know now. But I know this is not possible and I want to move forward.

I have accepted the fact that I have genital herpes and there is NOTHING I can do about it. That is about as far as I have come. I am NOT OK with having it, I DO NOT embrace it and I am NOT proud of it.

I have only accepted that there is nothing I can do to get rid of it. Ed, I admire you for maintaining such an informative and helpful website for people like me who are just struggling. When I read your positive feedback, it makes me smile and cry at the same time. For this I am thankful.

I feel that I am progressing in my therapy, my husband and I talk more about it than we did when the diagnosis first hit me and for these reasons I feel as though I am moving SLOWLY through a process that I wish would just move into overdrive so I could just MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

I know I do not want this to consume me, I have tried all of the natural remedies but none have stopped the outbreaks. After all this time of fighting the virus on my own and resisting taking meds, I decided 4 months ago to just start taking the Valtrex every day.

It was going great! No symptoms. I hated taking the meds but I felt that it was my last resort for freedom!

I most recently had a 4 month stretch while taking the Valtrex, which was such an amazingly hopeful feeling for me, and I truly thought I had started to really get a hold on it, until 2 days ago when I developed another sore. Devastation, again.

I have read almost this entire site, and again, I feel so thankful that I have found a community of others working through this shock of a lifetime along side of me. I am an otherwise very happy and fun person to be around but this disease has taken me down further than I ever though anything would.

I look forward to hearing any feedback that anyone can offer and I truly hope that in the coming months, I will have good news, positive feedback and life changing experiences to share with everyone. Thanks for being there to listen to my story.

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Jul 23, 2015
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Thank you thank you thank you
by: Anonymous

Ed,

I so appreciate your thoughts and strong feelings about me being married to a man who already has herpes and how it works to my advantage. My challenge is getting past the fact that he is the one who infected me when I worked so hard to keep myself pure and disease free for marriage, to share myself with that one person who is supposed to protect me and keep me safe from harm. I had not really thought about the fact that it makes me 'lucky' because all this time I have felt nothing but resentment and regret towards him. In the beginning, he had NO idea how to help me because he had never had an outbreak, similiar to so many other men. As a matter of fact, he never went online to even learn about the disease even after I was diagnosed and he learned that he had it as well! If he had experienced the pain, I am sure he would have then?! It has created so many feelings of RAGE in me to know that I have to deal with the pain and uncertainty, plus do all the research, take the meds, reduce the stress, eat certain foods, not eat certain foods etc. He just gets to just be along for the ride. Imagine the first person you choose to engage in sexual relations, you have waited your WHOLE life to enjoy this aspect of life and living and BAM, welcome to your new life with herpes. The initial reason I sought therapy is solely to get a handle on having herpes. I had no reason to seek therapy before this situation! That is what hurts so much! My life before I got married was drama free, pain free, resentment free and regret free.

I appreciate you seeing my situation as 'inspiring' and for your incredibly positive feedback. I work each and every day to see life as a bright and open tunnel. It just feels like it is taking an awful long time and I have to force that feeling every day. Life is short and I desperately want to wake up each day feeling excited about my future. So I keep doing yoga, meditating, going to therapy and talking with my husband although many times I just want him to have ONE outbreak so he knows how it feels. I know that is not a very loving thought but it is the truth. I feel like that will somehow bring me closer to some sort of 'closure'. It just does not seem fair that I should suffer so much while he has never experienced the pain that I have.

Anyway, I hope that my next entry will be more positive and I am open to any feedback from anyone in my new community. I even feel better today than I did yesterday, and for that I am SUPER THANKFUL.

Jul 23, 2015
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Forever Gratefulness if the Secret to Happily Living With Hepres
by: Ed

Thank you for sharing your touching story with our community. I'm very grateful for the positive comments. You and as well as the many others with stories like this are the reason why I chose to create this website.

I feel that your story has already provided inspiration to many of us. I for one know that your story has inspired me.

I think it's important to re-frame your experience from a negative experience into a positive one. Let me share some of the things in your story that I feel are positive...

First of all, you are married to a man who loves you and who already has herpes. Single people have an especially difficult time because they have to worry about telling a special person that they have the virus. Trust me...unless a person has no insecurities about having herpes, the results can be even more damaging. So much so that some people abandon the idea of having a loving relationship altogether.

Next, you're married to a man who loves you and who already has herpes. I know that I mentioned that earlier but it's worth mentioning it again. You don't have to worry about transmitting the virus to him and he does not have to worry about transmitting it to you. This is another issue that couples have when one has the virus and the other doesn't. This is my situation. I have it and my wife doesn't. When my wife and I first met, I was always super-sensitive about every bump, itch, headache and tingle. I had rather take a bullet than to transmit it to the woman that I love. That's the way most of us feels.

Again...you're married to a man who loves you and who already has the virus. One of the most damaging things that we experience is the fact that having this virus is difficult to talk about. You have a loving husband who is there for you... A person who shares the same virus. You should be able to talk freely about it. Single people don't always have that benefit. It may not seem like a benefit to you but just ask someone who has the virus how good it is to be able to share your up's and down's without worry of being judged. HUGE POSITIVE!

I hope that you've told your therapist about having herpes. If not, you should. Your therapist needs to know in order to provide you with the guidance that you need. Another lesson learned :). For about 6 months I didn't tell mine and I didn't seem to be going anywhere in therapy. It was only after I revealed my little secret, was I able to reap the benefits of my therapy.

This process is going to take time...maybe a lot of time. But it's very important to keep growing. Keep learning. Stay strong. Don't be afraid to reach out if you need someone. Contact me through this site if you need to vent.

Wishing You Success and Happiness!

Ed

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