Diagnosed With Genital Herpes For 5 Years-Still Feeling Devisated
I wish I had found this site 5 years ago when I first learned that I had genital herpes. Get the garbage bucket ready, here is the dump....
When I got married in September 2010, I was 39 years old and still a virgin. I made that decision in my early teens, willingly, to avoid getting STD's or becoming pregnant. I worked so hard to stay STD free and it made me so happy and proud to share that with people that I dated. I never had anyone break up with me for choosing to abstain from sex.
Before I got married, I had an amazing life, I traveled, I enjoyed being single and did not mind abstaining from sex because I knew that someday I would be rewarded for being so conscientious and waiting for the right person and the right time. My now husband, who was 44 when we got married, had sexual partners during his life, like any healthy red blooded male, so knowing that I had not indulged in intercourse at all, my husband agreed to get 'tested' before we were married and everything came back negative. Excellent! WE got married and started our 'happily ever after'.
2 months after we were married was when I first experienced the tingling, sun-burn sensation up the back of my thighs and painful blisters. I thought they were ingrown hairs! I went to my doctor, explained all of my symptoms and she looked at the blisters. She said it was unlikely that it was anything to worry about since my husband was tested and everything was negative. I must add that I never asked him for any test results since when we discussed being tested for STD's, I ASSUMED that meant ALL OF THEM. Well, needless to say, after 3 trips to my doctor and several viles of blood later, I was diagnosed genital herpes. It was the worst day of my life.
I have been in psychological therapy for 4 1/2 years, took 3 months of suppressive treatments of Valtrex and cried more than I have in my entire life during these last 5 years.
After discussing his test results with his doctor and getting print outs of the results, we learned that the doctor had only ordered tests for HIV and Hepatitis B, so I was completely vulnerable to all the other STD's out there that my husband could potentially have. We have since both have been tested for other STD's and are negative, thankfully. At least I HOPE we were tested for all the other ones!?
I have been working so hard to get my mind wrapped around the idea that this is forever and that I will never get rid of this disease, especially since I spent 39 years doing EVERYTHING to avoid it. I have tried SO hard to change my mind set, forgive my husband for his 'carelessness' and we have had so many ups and downs because of this disease. I have thought about leaving him so many times because of my anger, but then I remember that nothing changes, I will still always have herpes.
This website has basically talked about
all the emotions that I have been going through since day one. Now I know that all of my reactions, starting with the anger, dealing with the regret and trying to negotiate, are all normal parts of this process.
When I am between outbreaks, I feel strong and positive about life moving forward and can get closer to my husband. Coming from the amazing life that I had before I got married, I have had so many regrets about marrying my husband because it has changed my life for the worse in so many ways.
I always think that this is all just a bad dream and I will wake up to a time before I was married and just stay friends with my husband. I wish I knew then what I know now. But I know this is not possible and I want to move forward.
I have accepted the fact that I have genital herpes and there is NOTHING I can do about it. That is about as far as I have come. I am NOT OK with having it, I DO NOT embrace it and I am NOT proud of it.
I have only accepted that there is nothing I can do to get rid of it. Ed, I admire you for maintaining such an informative and helpful website for people like me who are just struggling. When I read your positive feedback, it makes me smile and cry at the same time. For this I am thankful.
I feel that I am progressing in my therapy, my husband and I talk more about it than we did when the diagnosis first hit me and for these reasons I feel as though I am moving SLOWLY through a process that I wish would just move into overdrive so I could just MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.
I know I do not want this to consume me, I have tried all of the natural remedies but none have stopped the outbreaks. After all this time of fighting the virus on my own and resisting taking meds, I decided 4 months ago to just start taking the Valtrex every day.
It was going great! No symptoms. I hated taking the meds but I felt that it was my last resort for freedom!
I most recently had a 4 month stretch while taking the Valtrex, which was such an amazingly hopeful feeling for me, and I truly thought I had started to really get a hold on it, until 2 days ago when I developed another sore. Devastation, again.
I have read almost this entire site, and again, I feel so thankful that I have found a community of others working through this shock of a lifetime along side of me. I am an otherwise very happy and fun person to be around but this disease has taken me down further than I ever though anything would.
I look forward to hearing any feedback that anyone can offer and I truly hope that in the coming months, I will have good news, positive feedback and life changing experiences to share with everyone. Thanks for being there to listen to my story.