Conquer Your Fears About Herpes - Get Educated!

by ON

I always believe that best way to conquer fear is getting educated. I'm 19 years old, I have had only 2 sexual partners and one of them is my current boyfriend. I do not sleep around.

I have been diagnosed with HSV type 1 which is commonly known as cold sores. If it appears in oral areas, mine is in genital area. I did not know how and when I got it, and since HSV-1 can be in my system since birth or when I was little, it is impossible to know how I got it.

I told my boyfriend right after getting the result (I have just had an outbreak for the very first time, that's why I got tested). I have read almost everything I possibly could about Herpes, STDs and how I can help to protect my partner. We have been dating for a short period of time, and despite my fear of losing him, I felt the urge to tell him no matter what the outcome would be. He deserved to know.

He said he cares for me and he is the man of his words, he will stand by me regardless. He did have a blood test yesterday so we are expecting the result sometimes next week. Till then, I decided that we should not have sex of any kind, just in case that he might not be infected with the virus yet.

Even though he said he does concern a little but still he does not mind being with me at all, he wants to be with me and if we break up because of this, it would be stupid. I know you would think of me as crazy or silly for thinking of leaving such a great man just because of HSV-1 but those thoughts of breaking up are killing me inside.

If he does not have it, I feel like I should let him go. Because you know that HSV is incurable , once you have it, you have it for life. Even with condoms and daily pills (which used to limit the chance of spreading the virus to your sexual partner), there is still a chance that he may get infected.

It reminds me so much of a quote in Casablanca: "You may not regret now. Not today. Not tomorrow. But one day you will…."

And I do not want him to regret being with me. What if one day, he will meet the one who is right for him and not being able to stay with her because of this? I cannot help but thinking of the consequences he may face in the future.

Deep in my heart, I know that I am strong, I can move on even though I have herpes, but I cannot live with the feeling that I have affected somebody for being in their lives. Now I understand why the nurse said that the medical aspect of herpes is not as scary as the emotional devastation it has on people.

I have just known about it for 2 days and it is killing me inside. Regardless of what he has said to me, I'm having the burning desire to end the relationship. I do not want to see him because I am scared that I may hurt him and his future, and that one day, he will look back and regret his choice today.

I have always thought of myself as confident and smart, and now here I am, doubting myself. I am really confused, I do not know how to deal with my mixed emotions. I am not scared of herpes, but I am afraid of its effects on those I love and care for.

I'm crying now…. After all, I do care for him a lot, I do feel my love for him… For the first time, I could see a future together with a guy. And now I am feeling like the world is collapsing around me. I feel so alone and afraid. Is there anyone can help me so i can let go of fear and move on with my life?

Thank you for sharing your story with our community! I commend you for reaching out for both help and information about HSV. It takes guts to tell someone you have herpes and I'm proud of you for being honest with your current boyfriend. It's a reflection of your integrity.

Now, with that being said, I'm going to educate you a little more...

First, you have some of your facts wrong about HSV-1. 99% of the people who contracted the virus during their childhood years get it from being kissed by a relative who had a cold sore. This you probably knew already. But it is equally important for you to understand what it means.

You have HSV-1 in the genital region. Since HSV can only be spread through direct skin to skin contact, you most likely got the virus from someone had HSV-1 and who performed oral sex with you. Or from someone you also had HSV-1 in the genital area.

What this means is that one of the two guys you've slept with is more than likely responsible for passing it on to you!

With this in mind, just because you were the first person to bring up the subject doesn't necessarily mean that you were the first one to have HSV. It works both ways.

Keep this in the back of your mind too, although you may never know for sure if your current boyfriend tests results come back positive, it's a possibility that he passed the virus on to you...and not the other way around.

If he is negative, then it was most likely that the first person that you slept with that passed the virus to you.

Keep this in your mind too...neither could have known for sure that they had the virus and unless one of them confesses then you'll likely never know.

Now on to your other problem...staying in your current relationship or not.

I know that it's hard for you to grasp your mind around this (assuming that he is negative) but you have to let your boyfriend make his own decisions. It's not fair to you or him to make this decision based on your fears of spreading the virus. As long as you and him take reasonable precautions and he knows the risks, then it should be his decision only.

The same logic can be applied to driving a car or getting pregnant. Would you not take him for a drive or have sex with him for fear of having a baby or crashing? These two examples would have more severe consequences that catching HSV and the odds are much better that you'll be involved in a car crash and getting pregnant. But yet you still assume the risks. Would you feel guilty if he you got pregnant and want to leave him or would you want him to share in the responsibility of caring for your child?

Don't make this any harder than it has to be. In the grand scheme of life, it's nothing. Change your mind about HSV and you'll change your life.

Wishing you success and happiness.

Founder - LWGH

Feel free to contact me at if you need a little more coaching along the way.

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